I think this is the first time I’ve actually come on to write with a subject in mind….
I, in my land of meaningful relationship limbo, felt like I hit a bit of a light-bulb moment last night. This bulb, so to speak, came on while studying for my upcoming psychology exam. Attachment is a familiar subject and, for me, quite a daunting one to read up on. This process begins at birth and is defined from various sources as an emotionally enduring connection between an infant and its primary caregiver. A caregiver must be consistently responsive to the child’s needs in order to form secure bonds. Such early experiences imprint on, what is also known as, our “internal working model”. Our first attachment embeds into our subconscious and becomes the bases for the way we experience all future relationships. Those who develop a secure primary attachment will go forth and have meaningful relationships and develop strong self-worth while infants who have inconsistency or unresponsiveness in their care will develop an insecure attachment and thus, contrasting to the latter, will have difficulties in developing and sustaining secure relationships in the future. Scary thought, right?
My attachment type is known as ambivalent. Luckily this is a rarer attachment only affecting 7% – 15% of people. Ambivalence is defined as “having mixed feelings or contrary ideas”. This attachment type is formed when the mother and/or primary caregiver is inconsistent with the care they provide; both emotionally and physically. The child exhibits clingy behaviours and actively seeks attention. In the absence of the caregiver the child becomes distressed yet refuses consolidation from the caregiver upon return; hence the term ambivalent. This is the push/pull effect; the child wants their caregivers attention, they want love and security but in retrospect they push that love away when it is in supply. This is due to the harboured anger which brews from the caregivers inconsistency.
They say insecurely attached children repeat problematic patterns in their future relationships. Children who have experienced neglectful parents become so mistrustful of others; their harvested aggression is displaced on the foster carers trying to care for them. When placed in foster care the manifested anger I felt towards my mother for giving up on me followed suit. The displacement of anger caused numerous foster care placement breakdowns; there were 46 placements in 7 years on record, meaning I was housed in 46 different houses and moved 46 different times. As an ambivalent child makes it so difficult for people to love them they are often given up on. The repetition of these difficult relationships keeps reconfirming to the insecurely attached child that adults will only abandon them and therefore cannot be trusted. This cycle of attachment patterns are firmly established into the subconscious mind of the adult.
An adult with ambivalent attachment frequently looks to be rescued by their partner; wanting them to undo the damage of all past relationships. They seek that sense of safety by clinging to their partner; ambivalently attached people feel they need to be with their partner all the time and constantly feel like they should get reassurance. Although there is a want for security, ambivalent people take actions to push their partner away; they are reluctant to get close to others. My last relationship broke down due to this issue; anyone who has experienced this will understand the frustration involved – to have someone you love who you can’t allow love you back. As the relationship begins to fail the ambivalent person fears of abandonment resurface causing them to act out in a desperate manner as a means to try and save themselves from being abandoned yet again. Ambivalently attached people over-rely on intimate relationships for security; when breakdown occurs these individuals are known to become distraught and inconsolable. When broken up with I was quick to affirm my fears, my pattern of thought went something like this:
“He left me, I was right not to trust him”.
“How could he tell me he loves me and then leave? He must be lying”.
“He must not have fancied me”.
Instead of accepting the break-up and moving on habit causes me to feed into my internal working model that all relationships are the same; everyone will abandon me, everyone is untrustworthy and I am not worthy of love.
From previous blogs you will have gathered an understanding of my difficulties gaining and sustaining relationships. I have skipped through groups of friends frequently which has left me with plenty of acquaintances but no permanent “best” friend(s). I feel a sense of loss every time I think of the excellent friendships that could have flourished and those decent relationships that could have been if only I was, and I use this term loosely, normal. Currently I feel a strong longing to be nurtured and looked after by someone; the more I age the stronger this desire becomes when in actual fact it should be the opposite. I need to mourn for the secure and constant bond my mother could not provide me with in order to resolve the longing as without this resolution I will keep seeking out what I’ve missed in childhood when it is no longer appropriate in adult relationships.
The Road Less Traveled 